When I first found out I was pregnant with Mariah was when I lived in Columbia, Missouri. Right around the time we were preparing to move to Lebanon, Oregon. Needless to say I couldn't help much with moving heavy things as I had planned but past problems with my pregnancy We all knew it would be to risky so my mom and my husband had to do most of the heavy things that it takes to move. As the U-Haul was loaded we were finally on our way and I tell you what it was a beautiful trip. The scenery was awesome. We reached Lebanon and moved into a house soon after we had allot of help from our family. I was doing fine so far with my pregnancy and thought everything was fine so I treated this pregnancy at this point as a normal pregnancy with no complications. We found a church to go to that we really enjoyed and started going on a regular basis. Well one day when It was time to get up for church June 4, 2000 I went to go to the restroom and wiped and there were some mucus on my toilet paper with a hint of blood, I knew it was my mucus plug. I have never been so scared in my life. I automatically started crying because I knew things were not looking to good for us at that point. I lay on my mom's bed waiting for the other kids to get ready for church so Brian and I could go to the emergency room without all the hassle about watching them while we were waiting for the doctors to examine me. Violet my mom's sister was taking my mom to church at this point and stopped in to get her and we told her about what happened and we all just started praying that God would put his hand on our situation. So they all left for church. Brian and I left for the hospital. It's so hard to explain but that seemed like such a long and scary trip there. We arrived at the hospital and had to get our information registered into the computer and then we were 

I felt comfortable with, but I was overwhelmed with excitement that our baby was healthy so I blew it off. We went home with good news and by then my bleeding had pretty much stopped. I took it easy around the house and pretty much tried to keep my feet up though it was hard to do because I felt ok. Four days had passed when my whole life was about to change. I got up one morning and felt like I had to go to the bathroom really bad. So I sat on the toilet and as soon as I did a huge gush of water started flowing out like a balloon popped and let what was inside out. My stomach almost flattened automatically. I started yelling for Brian and my mom to come to the bathroom because my water broke. We rushed to the hospital and sure enough it had broke. I was bleeding really badly and I tell you what I cried and Brian cried we knew this was very serious. They checked the baby's heart beat and it was fine.

The doctors done an exam on me and sure enough my water had broken. I felt so empty and scared. The doctors gave no hope of our baby surviving. Brian started praying that if it was Gods will that whatever happens happen. He told me he felt a great peace about our situation. Another doctor who had a clinic in the hospital who manages high risk pregnancy's wanted to see me in his clinic so they took me to his clinic and they examined me as well. Nothing at that point looked like there was much hope. I don't know what came over the doctor but he decided to have me admitted in the hospital instead of send me home like the doctors in the emergency room were going to do. Which if I would have been sent home I would surely lost her because of the risk of infection and they (the doctors knew that but never told me differently.) So I was admitted and they started me on antibiotics. The doctor told me before I was admitted that it's a small chance that my cervix would close itself back up and that my body would restore back the water. But something made him want to admit me so I was grateful for at leased that chance. I was in the hospital for four days and my cervix did close itself back shut. The nurses in the area of the hospital were very nice but some of them acted like I was going to loose my baby at any second and acted grim around me. My birthday fell on one of the day's I was in the hospital and my family brought a cake and gift's for me there. Plus a nurse brought in a monitor so I could listen to my baby's heart beat any time I wanted to. It's the last day I was in the hospital I believe that the doctor had me sent to his clinic in the hospital and had an ultrasound done on me and examined me that we had found out my cervix did close itself. Though the doctor looked grimly at the situation of what was going on he did say several times that it was all up to God and that there really wasn't anything they could do medically for me. I was ok with that but I felt uncomfortable with having exams because it caused me to bleed heaver every time the doctors done one and I told him that by that time my bleeding had slowed down some. He also told me that my water had restored some but not as much as he liked to see. But he gave me the option to go home on complete bed rest or stay at the hospital. I chose home because it was a more comfortable environment. So I stayed a little longer and then headed home. I had to go back for a doctors appointment soon after. I went to that and the doctor still seemed grim he didn't have answers why I was still pregnant not that I asked but he was more trying to figure it out for his self you could tell. When I was leaving his clinic he wanted me to make another appointment but there would be another doctor take his place because he was going on vacation I believe. Anyways Dr. G. was my sisters O.B before and one of my cousins so I felt I could trust him. So I chose him for my next appointment. I went to my appointment and he went to examine me, I told him I didn't feel comfortable with a cervical exam because they tend to make me bleed more and I was finally starting to slow down my bleeding some. But he done it anyway and I wasn't to happy about it but he told me my uterus felt fine and that it was the right size for where I was in my pregnancy. So I ignored the exam I was to excited to thank of it. He set me up to have an ultra sound the next day he said he would call the house to tell us the results of what the ultra sound says. So we went to the ultra sound and the person at the ultra sound sounded grim about the results but wouldn't say much to me. It was kind of scary because I could tell I didn't have allot of water you could tell it but I still prayed and had hopes that I would regain all the fluids back. I went home and the next day G. called me he told me he wasn't real happy with the results so he wanted to keep a closer eye on me. He didn't feel I would carry the baby but a couple more days at the most. He said he wanted me to come in to get a fetal heart monitor and weight. I was so scared and upset him telling me I wasn't going to carry my baby much longer I handed the phone to Brian. The Doctor told him that I need to come in and it would be smart to get a DNC done but Brian told him we didn't believe in that so he proceeded to tell Brian I need to at leased come in 2 to 3 times a week to be checked out Brian told him he didn't think it would be smart for me to be out of bed so much because I'm supposed to be on bed rest. But the doctor kept on insisting he said bring her in Monday and make sure she doesn't eat anything for 12 hours or so before the appointment. Brian thought that was weird because most doctors want you to eat being pregnant. Then he realized Dr. G. was going to try to get us to have an Abortion, Brian refused his service but asked if the doctor would write us a prescription for antibiotics so I wouldn't get an infection. The Dr. got angry refused to write me one and told us that our baby was going to die anyway and if I came in with an infection he says giving me something now only sets an immunity so when they get me in the hospital nothing they give will work. He insisted we come in we turned him down. So we hung up very upset because the Dr. had no compassion and our baby was still alive and her heart rate was perfect, we were not about to allow someone to take her dear life. My aunt Violet got a hold of a midwife to see if she could help us she gladly said yes. We called around for doctors no one would see me because I was to high risk I guess and after we told them about Dr. G. everyone turned us down. I felt so helpless. All I wanted was a chance to save my child. So we got a hold of Brian's dad being a doctor maybe he could help us. He called in a prescription for antibiotics and told me to not get out of bed unless I have to. He said it is very rare for a baby to survive because of infection and the baby develops its lungs at this time in the womb the most. He was very helpful and sweet. But he was willing to give it a shot. He called around to different places for us. We finally got a hold of a doctor in Portland, Oregon we told him our situation. He was shocked a doctor would do a dnc this far in the pregnancy and that the doctor would do a cervical exam on me because I was high risk. He said on any high-risk patients you should never do such a thing. We new at that moment Dr. G. was out to make me miscarry so he wouldn't have to deal with me. So Violet got a hold of the midwife she came over told us what vitamins to take and recommended a few things and told me to stay on bed rest. She checked our babies heart rate it sounded great. She came to see me several times a week for free. She was so angry with my doctors she didn't charge for her services. Violet gave us some good vitamins and I know she couldn't afford to but she did it anyway which I'm grateful to her for. I decided to have Brian move my bed into our bedroom (a hospital bed he got from a retirement home) so I could be more comfortable.

(Started writing again April 2003)

It's hard for me to remember details as much now but I ended up with an infection ran a temperature that would not go away we went to the Lebanon Hospital and they admitted me in the baby center their it was very hard listening to the new babies being born especially since mine was having a hard time just surviving . Dr. B. my doctor came to check on me and my cervix was still tightly shut. So they started me on antibiotics and I had the hot flashes and cold chills all night long. The next day Dr. B. told us that he was very concerned about me and that he was going out of town and that his Dr. who was covering for him was Dr. G. I told Dr. B. I didn't trust Dr. G. and wanted a different Doctor I am sure I was being difficult they thought but I didn't care at the time, my only hope was to save our baby. They took me the day I was admitted and found no water was restored and Mariah was literally being smothered in my uterus. But one hand that was in its own bag of waters, that is still hard for me to talk about because I saw the horribleness of our situation. My daughter was going to die miserably and I couldn't help her. I felt so lost and devastated. My heart was broken in pieces. I can't begin to explain the pain I felt watching my daughter they had me in the ultra sound room for along time recording this as it was the first for them to see a separate bag of waters like that. But for me it would be the day before the loss of our little angel. Dr. B ended up sending me to Eugene hospital (Sacred Heart). The Ambulance driver and care taker were very nice to me. My doctor at Sacred Heart would be Dr.F. he was forward and honest with me. He told me that Mariah was going to die in my Womb or they were going to have to take her a hysterectomy abortion, which no way I would agree to this. I had a horrible infection, I had the shakes and heat flashes. I couldn't walk without blood pouring down my legs.  I would sit on the toilet and you could not tell there was even water in it.

Though her skin was a little sticky, when she was in my stomach with no fluid she was living in an environment like a baby going through a saltine abortion. I had a lot of black (infection goo) come out when Mariah was born. I cried alot that whole week, but the most tears were shed later trying to overcome guilt for feeling I caused her death. We wept many tears for our little Mariah. I would have given my life for that angel baby. It was hard but God kept his hand in my life.

This slide is of the casket my husband made for his daughter. We were extremely poor and could not even afford to bury our baby much less buy a casket. A cousin's husband was given a wooden box by his grandfather before he passed away. This box was very special to him, but he offered to let us turn it into a casket so we could bury our daughter.

I remember Brian working on the casket and my heart breaking for him. A father should never have to build his own babies casket. My mom took a wooden rocking horse that was on a wooden carousel Brian bought me when we were dating. She painted this little horse and we put it on the front of her casket. We all put our hands in paint and we put our prints in the top inside cover of her casket. My cousin lines the inside of her casket with some material Brian picked out himself. Another cousin of mine's husband painted a scripture from the bible on the top cover with her name. Her casket was built with love. Inside her casket lay my last words to her (below) and a rose that was given to me by the nurse that helped deliver our Mariah. Her daughter (Mariah) picked this rose and brought it to my room the next day after we lost her, and she tearfully walked out. This was one of the most moving experiences of my life. But that's when the pain hit me the hardest. I can still remember my heart starting to feel very heavy, Brian had been gone trying to find a funeral home that would hold our daughters body. Brian walked in the room and I let out a cry that I never heard come from my mouth before,  other then the day we had our miscarriage in 1993. I went to stand up and felt my knees get weak and I felt myself falling Brian caught me in his harms and I started crying we killed our baby, over and over. He held me close to him and we cried together. I cried and cried and cried. At that time and that very second I felt like my life was falling apart. I remember another moment in the hospital room when Brian went home to get some rest and so I could get some rest 2nd day after, I was in the hospital room by myself. I sat by the window looking down to the parking garage, and people were walking back and forth, inside my heart was breaking. I was yelling inside of myself at these people "why, why are you so happy, don't you know my baby just died, don't you know" I again started crying. No one around to comfort me, I was alone but it was during those times that I found myself healing and found myself letting loose my heart and seeking the Lord.

The nightmares I got after losing Mariah. Not being able to sleep. It was the hardest thing I have ever experienced my whole life.

I read this at Mariah's funeral

My Dear sweet Mariah,

I am not sure if I am to write a letter of goodbye or a letter to say I will see you soon in heaven so I will not say neither. I just wanted you to know how sweet of a gift you are to daddy and mommy. I only had you in my life for such a short time but the time God gave me with you was so precious to me. I know now that you were never meant to be here long but the gift you gave to us will last a lifetime. You blessed our hearts with your strength and determination you made every doctor give up but God was there and he was the one that was in control. My heart ached when I thought I was going to loose you, I never hurt so badly in my life. I felt you move around in my stomach and seen your heartbeat on the ultrasounds. You have the perfect little hands and toes I will never loose the memory of those pictures. My heart aches to hold you close to me still. I only wish sometimes I could just hold you one last time. To be honest I know you were to be here for a short time but it hurts and does not seem fair to loose you but my sweet Mariah I had to give you up to God he wanted you to come home he needed you there with him for a purpose right now he only knows. You not only touched our hearts you touched many. You showed everyone the power of God and how awesome he is. When I held you in my arms I had an unspeakable Joy in my heart I cannot explain I laughed and cried and cried some more I knew by letting you go you would never suffer again as you were in my womb, that to me was my gift I gave out of love for you. It was the hardest gift I have ever given but it was purely out of Love for you. It's still hard for me to imagine life with out you in it but it's only for a short time. Your brothers and sister won't have the chance to know you here on earth but in heaven we will all rejoice. My Sweet Mariah Belle

(I knew when Mariah was born she was to young to survive, what I meant by letting her go as a gift of love, was she fought so long in the womb to survive and when she was born, she was still struggling. I told her while I was crying "its alright Mariah, its alright to go see Jesus." I in some way felt like she was fighting because of us, I wanted her to go home to Jesus and not feel like she had to struggle any further. I hope this makes since)

As I walked along feeling the warmth of the sunshine upon my back, a soft breeze came up and brushed me ever so lightly upon my face.

I turned slightly, see where it had came from, as I turned I saw nothing. I walked over and sat down under a big oak tree, feeling the cool grass under my feet. I looked around, then I looked up into the sky, the clouds were full and billowing, hanging in the air like fluffy cotton, All of a sudden the clouds parted wide revealing streams of color. A wonderful melody flowed down from heaven, like slow, trickling water. Rising from the music was a tiny voice frail and sweet. The voice was soft innocent and pure. Joining with the melody, it fell down and clung to each wild flower like drops of dew. The wild flowers danced in rhythm as if pleased with the golden sound.

“Wow, Thank you Lord is this so beautiful”. I sat in silence, soaking in the beauty of it all. “No, Thank you, my child for the gift you have given me” the Lord replied. “ But Lord, how could I? I Mean what did I? Lord I don’t understand.”

The melody from heaven mixed with the soft breeze came up and brushed me softly upon my face again. “Thank you, “the Lord said. “Thank you for a life that will forever praise my name, for an innocence that sin will never touch.” “ Thank you sweet child, for my Mariah…

Written by, Laura Brigger soon after Mariah Belle died 07/01/2000

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